Ranting.

Be yourself and maybe someone else if you have it in you.

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neko2
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Ranting.

Postby neko2 » Mon Mar 18, 2013 8:11 am

Ok I think I have ranted before about the inlaws.
While hubs was gone I worked hard to save money. After he got home and finally was able to talk to them (lots of phone tag as they NEVER answer their fucking phones!!!) they asked if I spent a lot of his money. Get this they are much better off than we are. We aren't hurting but we manage our finances carefully. It would have been better for us to have gone somewhere during the holidays instead we stayed home to conserve and the fact it would have been a PITA.
They expect us to "go see them" where ever they happen to be. Their reasoning is that we are the kids and should go. Well, we don't have the money to do it without it costing us later and what about my fucking family? I'd like to see them every once in a while, there ain't many left.
I have been accused of favoring my family since our child came into our lives. When in actuality, I have done my best to be fair in time with each family. Early on we did get STUCK at my families house working on paperwork but we didn't expect that so that is held against me. Time with my dad was not as long as I would have liked it to be.
We met up with them a couple of years ago. They spent less than 2 hours with their grandchild. We spent way too much fucking money on that trip. This time they want only him to go. It's a different place that for all of us is way too much. He can go but doesn't want to as he will hear about how I'm a bad person. I don't control his actions, never have, never will. I'm not that type of person.
I can't figure out why all of this eats at me. I have never met people like this before. I've had guys folks who didn't care for me as I come from a solid middle class background and not Catholic but that is it. Before kid era things seemed different. I found out he was being pushed for grandkids. Nasty things were said about me. I have never said nasty things about them, thought they were nice, very typical of their generation and nouveau well off. Communication between them and grandkid is one way with me making sure it's there. I no longer push hubs to get the cards for their hallmark moments. I know my siblings have had problems with their in laws in many ways. Most of it is seeing our family as below theirs. In my case, we are equal as they started off as solid middle class. I have thought about distancing more but we may end up living close by, not that they would have much to do with us as we are "poor". ERRRRRRR!

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Calypso
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Re: Ranting.

Postby Calypso » Mon Mar 18, 2013 6:52 pm

If it's not affordable, flat out tell them you can't go. They then have the option of coming to you or gifting you the trip. Ultimately they are the ones losing out in not seeing their grandchild.

We had issues with my inlaws (really more MIL but FIL did nothing and always supported his wife). It got to a point that some little thing set off my MIL and they stopped talking to us. I was pregnant with my second child. They missed her birth and her early years. MIL passed away a few years ago without ever meeting one of her grandchildren. And my husband is an only child. We got back in touch with FIL after her death and he even lived with us for near two years due to poor financial decisions that he and MIL made (I'm sure her medical bills didn't help, but still).

Anyhoo, point of my relating our family stupidity is just that sometimes you can't do anything about it but rant and rave. So go on and do that and ultimately don't let it affect your relationship with your husband and child. They are the ones who count more.

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Re: Ranting.

Postby badplantmommy » Mon Mar 18, 2013 7:30 pm

I'm sorry your inlaws are a pain. :mad: They sound like the kind of people who would always be able to find something to complain about--even if you visited them all the time, they'd think of something else to gripe about. :grump: My grandma gave my mom a hard time. :wah:

--J--
Is that all there is?

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wolfsdawn2
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Re: Ranting.

Postby wolfsdawn2 » Tue Mar 19, 2013 3:41 am

Time for a hard-ball reality check to the inlaws. If they want to visit, either they can come to you, or they can fund you guys coming to them. Period.
True?

neko2
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Re: Ranting.

Postby neko2 » Tue Mar 19, 2013 8:14 am

We have invited them here several times. They won't come. Been there, done that.
You would think they would realize even though we are older parents we still have to balance our lives. As older parents themselves drug their youngest son everywhere well past bedtime, late meals, boredom, etc and have said we did it so you can do it. I don't let that happen as to me that is torturing your kid. Occasionally a late night/meal is fine but not often. I think they realise to an extent I'm not going to do what they want unless it's good for my little family. ( We have said no so many times pointing the cost is too exorbant and/or hubs' work is a no go, in one ear out the other). Hubs is learning as he has seen the aftermath of their type of travels.
We had a chat about it all last night. Hubs thinks we will see them more if we live closer. I doubt it. He feels the younger son is favored which I can see how he feels that way and know it's half true. I noticed before hubs being treated like a redheaded stepchild at famiy gatherings. He is much older than the rest of his cousins.
I'd like us to end up elsewhere just due to family dynamics. We are use to relying just on us, he thinks we will be able to rely on them. Not. My family is our daughter's biggest fan club. They aren't perfect but they don't judge a book by the cover either.
I'm thinking of going to a therapist about this. It makes me so angry as I feel they are looking down at me (which I've had a lot of people do growing up) and not believing in their son. His other set of parents aren't so intruding, but he isn't as close to that set.
I sometimes have wondered if it were mostly due to their generation. I have since found out not really. Some parts are but most aren't.
Thanks for listening.
Calypso - no way his folks are living with us or us live with them. We are too different. There is more but you would choke on your coffee and the site is too public. You must be a saint.

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Re: Ranting.

Postby Ireneb » Tue Mar 19, 2013 8:41 am

That all sounds very tricky, Neko. I'd be inclined to hold out and say they can come to you rather than the other way round, but I am not in your situation and it's easy to say from a distance. Might not be a bad idea to get some counselling on this, so that someone can help you find your way through all this complexity. Good luck in working it out.
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. -- Winston Churchill

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Re: Ranting.

Postby wolfsdawn2 » Wed Mar 20, 2013 1:19 am

In the end, you're going to end up having to put your daughter, and yourselves as a family unit, first, and they are just going to have to either adjust, or miss out on their son and granddaughter's lives.
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neko2
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Re: Ranting.

Postby neko2 » Wed Mar 20, 2013 5:23 pm

I put our family unit first. It's getting easier for hubs to that since he has seen the aftermath, he still has some work to do on it. Just get tired of hearing it all.

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Re: Ranting.

Postby wolfsdawn2 » Sun Mar 24, 2013 6:42 am

Ugh, I can't even imagine.
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neko2
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Re: Ranting.

Postby neko2 » Thu Apr 11, 2013 8:54 am

Things they don't get part deux.
Why it's hard to work with a small child when neither spouse can take the kid to work nor have anyone to watch them for free. Yep, having all pay go to child care is a great decision. Also there isn't a lot of choices for that here. We made the best decision for us.
I know one hasn't had any secondary education so understanding private school for that level isn't always a good thing. Most are money makers that don't give a flying fuck if the student is marketable afterwards, they want the money.
Now dealing with the child they kind of raised, why should I have to explain every few months we are a team. It's our money even though I don't have a paying job. I have a fucking job that is more important than designer shit. As the child gets older I can do more.
Yes, the little one is shy. So shy she had accidents at school until late January instead of asking to go potty. No, I'm not making it up. It's who she is and that is fine. Some people are more shy than others.
I want decisions made and steps taken towards it. Having a sib thrown in his face is not helping. They are from two different families.
Need a break from the stress, all of us. :mad:


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